Bar Jokes - Dirty Part 4
Here's some dirty bar jokes you can use in your bar... A husband and wife are driving down the interstate when they are pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper says to the husband, "I clocked you doing 90 in a 55 mph zone." "That can't be" says the husband. "I always obey the speed limit." "No you don't," says the wife. "You always speed no matter what the speed limit is!" "Shut up you bitch!" yells the husband to his wife. The trooper says, "I see you aren't wearing your seat belt." "It must have slipped my mind," says the husband. "I always wear my seat belt." "No you don't," says the wife. "You never put your seat belt on!" "Shut up you bitch!" yells the husband to his wife. "All right," says the trooper, "let me see your license and registration." The husband fumbles through his pockets and says, "I must have left my license in my other jacket at home." "You never carry your license," says the wife. "Its on your bureau in the bedroom!" "Will you shut the hell up you stupid bitch!" yells the husband. "Step out of the car sir," says the trooper. And as the husband gets out of the car, the trooper leans in and asks the wife, "Does your husband always talk to you like that ma'am?" "Oh no," says the wife. "Only when he's drunk!"
Two Irishmen are fishing in a boat on a lake. One Irishman hooks something; he reels it in and gets it in the boat. It is an old rusted lamp. He brushes off the muck and soggy leaves and out pops a genie! The genie says, "Wow, thanks a lot for saving me! I almost drowned down there. I'll tell you wahat, you get one wish - make it a good one - and I'm out of here!" The Irishman thinks for a minutes and says, "I want thsi whole lake filled with beer, as far as you can see, nothing but beer, no water. Make it Guinness!" "That's it?" asks the genie. "You got it!" He snaps his fingers and the whole lake is now filled with Guinness. The genie disappears. The other Irishman smacks his friend on the head and says "Now what in the hell did you do that for? Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts wandering around and ends up on top of the pool table. The bartender watches as the monkey picks up the eight ball, puts it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender is furious. "That eight ball is the owner's pride and joy! It's made out of pure ivory and has been in his family for generations!" He kicks the guy and the monkey out of the bar. Two weeks later, the guy and his monkey return to the bar and the guy gives the bartender the eight ball, all cleaned up as good as new, and he apologizes. As the guy is talking to the bartender, the monkey picks up a peanut from a bowl, shoves it into his ass, takes it out and eats it. The bartender sees this and says "Now what the hell is that monkey doing?" "Oh," says the guy. "Ever since the eight ball, he just wants to make sure what he's eating!"
A guy is sitting at the bar with a worried look on his face. The bartender sees him and says "Hey man, are you alright?"The guy says "I think something's wrong with me." The bartender asks "Well, what's the problem?" The guy explains, "Before I go to work, my wife jumps me and we have sex three times. When I get to work, my secretary and I have sex, then at lunch we have sex and then a 'quickie' right before I go home. Then when I get home, my wife jumps me again and we have sex before dinner, after dinner and then again before we go to sleep. All this happens every day." "So," asks the bartender, "what's your problem?" The guy says, "When I jerk off, I get dizzy."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar. "FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!" So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands." "Third, there's an 80 year old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says "Where's that old woman with the sore tooth?"
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?" The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarves who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
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