Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man.

So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest package.

Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money.

The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and put it up on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "Mmmmnnn! A buffet!"

A guy and a dog walk into a bar. The guy is bragging to everyone that his dog can talk . The bartender calls him over and says, "So your dog can talk, huh?"

The guy says yes. Then the bartendersays, "So, if I gave your dog a dollar he would go out and buy me a newspaper?" The guy says yes, gives the dog a dollar and sends him out.

Three hours later the dog hasn't come back yet, so the owner and the bartender go looking for him. A block from the bar, they look down an alley and see the dog humping a female dog. The guy yells, "Wow, I've never seen you do that before!"

The dog says, "Well I've never had money before."

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

'Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"

"Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!"

"Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

"That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.

"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"

"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'"

"Oh. You know anything else?"

The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.

"It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'"

"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."

So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs.

One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.

"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"

"Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Tea time."

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy

and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax.

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says, "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says, "Yes, how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy, you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another. They make love. After they were done, the girl says, "Wow, you must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy, I didn't feel a thing!"

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.

A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder you dumbass, you're sitting on a mop bucket!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries."

The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?" "Nope."

"Mike's Tavern?" "No," "Mike's Pub?"

"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name is Sally's Legs!"

"That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Legs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar.

The bartender tells him, "Get that thing out of here."

The guy says, "No, wait you don't understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, "Bullshit, no octopus can do that." The Guy says, "No, really I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't find a musical instrument he can't play."

The bartender says, "OK you're on. Try the piano in the corner." The guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro.

The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar. The octopus played a song on it. The bartender said, "OK I'm not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums." The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, "Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up." He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, "There I knew I could find one he couldn't play."

The guy said, "Now just wait a minute He'll play it just as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it."