Here's some PG rated bar jokes you can use in your bar...

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year-old single

malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then,

without pausing, he downs each one.

"Wow," the bartender says, "you must be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have." the guy replies.

"What do you have?" the bartender asks.

"Fifty cents."

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, 'Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.'

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said 'Clean my house.'

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first pig went in and ordered one beer. 15 minutes later, he asked where the bathroom was.

The bartender replied, ' Down the hall and to your right.'

Then, the second pig came in and ordered two beers, and after 30 minutes, he asked where the bathroom was.

Once again, the bartender replied, 'Down the hall and to your right.'

After that, the third pig came in. He ordered three beers, and after 45 minutes, asked where the bathroom was.

The bartender told him the same as the other to.

The fourth pig came in, and ordered four beers, and after and hour, asked where the bathroom was.

The bartender told him the same thing as he told the other three.

After all this, the fifth pig came in and ordered five beers. After about an hour and a half, he had NOT asked where the bathroom was. The bartender was wondering why.

So he asked, 'Don't you want to know where the bathroom is like the other four pigs?'

The fifth pig just looked up him and answered smartly, 'No. Because I'm the piggy that goes, 'wee wee wee,' all the way home.'

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.

As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here." One cup of yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."

"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.

"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I'll just take the Scotch.

The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS!"